Seven years with mom in the otherworld

This was originally posted on November 21, 2024 on a different blog that no longer exists.

It's the seventh anniversary of my mom's passing. I always feel like writing something on this day. And I also always feel like hiding and letting the day pass by.

I wrote something two years ago that lays out a decent foundation for how the anniversaries feel, as well as some background on my mom's passing. Though every year is different. What is consistent is that I have a terrible time feeling grounded or coherent on these days. But, I know I feel like sharing something about my mom with the world, and I'm done with social media, at least for now, so this felt like the best way to go.

The cover image is a still from my grandparents' (her parents') 8mm archive. This image jumped out at me when I was watching the footage. I love it. My mom looks happy and proud and she is surrounded by people I imaged loved and cared about her as well. The only other person I know from the photo is my Grandma Rose (my mom's mom) on the far right. Rose was fun and quirky in her own right. Her parents were German farmers who lived in an all German village in Romania. She taught me one word in German, dummkopf.

My therapist asked me to share a bit about my mom today, her quirks, etc. At that point in the conversation, I was sharing how conflicted I get around Thanksgiving and whether I would prefer to have my regular day of fasting and contemplation (while attending the livestream of the National Day of Mourning hosted by United American Indians of New England), or if I should join the family meal and likely struggle to articulate how I was feeling and come across as being weird and righteous. My mom would likely not overthink it and just show up and try to be present with whoever was there, while focusing on gratitude. We often playfully argued about our opposing approaches to Thanksgiving and other aspects of being "American". And I'm working on not deferring wholesale to ancestors...to try and have at least some portion of inner knowing guiding my decisions. So I'm not sure how this year will play out. Regardless though, one of my mom's quirks was to listen intently to others without any judgement, and people have shared with me that that action really helped them through some hard times. As in, they wouldn't be here without my mom listening and responding with care. Aside from her being my mom, I also wouldn't be here without her commitment to listening to me and supporting me through countless bouts of overwhelming anxiety and grief.

So I'm starting a blog, to share a bit more about my mom with the world. And to hopefully write more often.

Another thing my therapist asked was if any specific plants come to mind that might help me through this period of time. Rosemary popped up. So I'm going to spend some time learning about rosemary. And I happened to have some tea that is supposed to help with nervous system regulation and includes rosemary. I also added some yarrow that I harvested from a local community garden, after planting it there a few months ago. (The yarrow connection is a story for a whole other post) I'm drinking it out of a mug that I inherited from my grandparents that is covered in roses, likely in honor of my Grandma Rose. I'll head to bed soon and try to listen to any guidance or requests from the rosemary or yarrow, or mom, or Grandma Rose. At least for now I feel grounded and present with supportive kitties, a supportive partner, and this new page to help sort out what's going on inside.